It’s the most wonderful, commercial, stimulating and obligatory time of the year when sleigh bells, egg slings and holiday classics get their moment in the sun … or, as it were, soft snow falls.
A few things are changing — the yuletide aesthetic is said to be turning from minimalist purgatory to glorious glory, and the saccharine, softly lit marketers on the Lifetime network are finally airing a Christmas movie with a sex scene.
But some things remain the same, like our unwavering loyalty and consumption of holiday movies of yesteryear. With their easy laughs and gritty moral lessons, Christmas movies offer aspiration and escapism.
In honor of that twin shipment and the spirit of this amazing National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation homage to Cousin Eddie, we bring you a list of zodiac signs as characters from classic Christmas movies.
Read, tune and ring your bells.
Willie T. Soke, “Bad Santa”
For all their bluster and bluntness, Aries natives are never as harsh or terrifying as they would have you believe.
Aries is the epitome of anti-hero energy, and no anti-hero is more Dash than Willie T. Soke, boldly played by Billy Bob Thornton. Big on personality and lacking even basic impulse control, the snotty, chain-smoking, profanity-laced, mall-robbing Santa Claus has a pickled heart of fool’s gold and proves his cardinal firepower and unusual morality in his rejection. to rob the defenseless, abandon the fatherless, or endure the harassment of the helpless.
Ralphie, “A Christmas Story”
Taurus rules the second house of self-esteem and material possessions, and as a fixed earth sign, natives often struggle with a stubborn steak and a single-minded agenda.
Enter Ralphie, the horned materialistic protagonist of A Christmas Story. Who but a Taurus-is-good, excess-is-better would describe Christmas morning as plunging “into the lust-trembling cornucopia and ecstasy of unbridled avarice”?
Snow Miser, “A Year Without Santa Clause”
A smooth-talking agent type and one half of an iconic brother pair, Snow Miser is pure Gemini.
Famously fickle, she shows that a Gemini would control the weather, prone to hot and cold behavior patterns and freezing people out / leaving lovers unread for sports.
Making puns and jokes, Snow Miser speaks loud and clear to the coyote spirit and flight-ready ethos of his sign with the statement, “If I can’t have some fun, I might as well get away.”
Follower in love Mark, “Love Actually”
Ruled by the moody moon and associated with feelings of home and family, Cancer is famously emo, but their source of emotion doesn’t always equate to the ability to handle and express these feelings.
In fact, this sign is famous for putting up defenses and being rude or even rude to people they have romantic feelings for – true “let me be mean to you because I’m obsessed with you” energy. .
Enter Mark (Andrew Lincoln), the king of close-ups and the cold shoulder who confesses his love for Keira Knightley’s Juliet while standing like a sad boy on the street and holding flash cards.
Write what you can’t bear to speak, brother.
Krampus, “Krampus”
The lion represents the sacred act of play, the child within and, by proxy, the unshakable hope of a joyous and bright holiday season.
When hope fails and this spirit proves corruptible, Krampus emerges. A darker expression of the Leo archetype, this yuletide demon bends to grandiose and shocking values (hallowed be thy name), punishing those who fail to live up to his standard.
Charlie Brown, “A Charlie Brown Christmas”
Our brooding, hunter-hatted, heavy-hearted Charlie Brown is a classic Virgo: sarcastic and restless with a sweet streak and a deep fear of not being good enough.
Bless this mutable earth sign, always able to see the potential in all things and all people, even an anemic Christmas tree and Lucy Van Pelt. The Virgin is associated with temple worship, pruning and cleansing, and for half a century, Charlie and the gang have helped keep the true spirit of Christmas alive.
The Ghost of Christmas Future, “A Christmas Carol”
Libra is represented by the scales and balances of justice, and Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol was born out of the author’s anger at the treatment of the poor in his native England.
Dickens intended to turn his observations into a political pamphlet, with the working title “An Appeal to the People of England, in Behalf of the Poor Child.” Recognizing that moral lessons are best delivered in an attractive (very Venusian) package, he instead published A Christmas Carol, which gave voice to his concerns about poverty and social injustice.
In the illustrated novella-turned-numbered movies, the ghostly, skeletal fingers of The Ghost of Christmas Future speak to the need to redress the scales of our humanity before the swift justice of death takes its toll.
Sally, “A Nightmare Before Christmas”
A classic Scorpio, the secretive type with oceanic depths and no limit to the lengths she’ll go, Sally finds it difficult to reveal her loving feelings to the attractive extremist Jack Skellington – but shows no hesitation in poisoning her creator with night shadow.
Scorpios are both into resourcefulness and personal revival, and Sally is no exception, literally coming back together after a daring escape. The affinity between Sally and Scorpio is perhaps best distilled in her singing a doomed love ballad to an audience of one cat.
Yukon Cornelius, “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”
Sagittarius is represented by the arrow-wielding centaur and experience hunting – and Yukon Cornelius is an orally obsessed redhead who seeks fortune in the farthest reaches.
Same thing but different.
Ruled by Jupiter, the planet of expansion and abundance, fortune tends to ride shotgun for Sag folk, and the Yukon is no exception, hitting the dirt and “Hallelujah!” via mint gold at the end of the film.
Clark Griswold, “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”
In astrology, Capricorn represents the father archetype, and there’s never been a better independent holiday dad (holi-daddy?) than Chevy Chase as Clark Griswold in National Lampoons Christmas Vacation.
Capricorns are big on tradition and consistency, and Clark’s obsession with decorating the halls to spec and having “the happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby danced with Danny f—king Kaye” leads him astray before he turns it back, bonus. in hand (Cap stuff), the dead cat and the New Year’s Santa on fire, in the true sense of the holiday.
Kevin McCallister, “Home Alone”
Aquarius is the sign of the innovator, revolutionary and unrepentant individualist.
Self-reliant and cerebral, water-bearers are more logical than emotional and, like Home Alone legend Kevin McCallister (Macaulay Culkin), would welcome the chance to spend the holidays in seclusion, without guilt, shame, company or compulsion, eating ice. cream, talking to themselves and defeating any unfortunate baddies that come for their castle.
Spin solo proving yourself superior? A Christmas wish came true.
Buddy the Elf, “Elf”
Unrelentingly, Buddy the Elf is the ultimate Pisces. Living and loving out loud with a compelling and unsatisfied sense of whimsy, his spirit and that of all fish manifests in his breakfast macaroni, topped with maple syrup, cereal, pop tarts, hope, marshmallows, joy , candies and unsweetened. enthusiasm.
For further evidence of Buddy’s stunningly romantic, rose-tinted vibe and, by proxy, most Pisces, here’s his schedule for Tuesday: “I’ve got our whole day planned. First, we make snow angels for two hours, then we’re going to go ice skating, and then we’re going to eat a whole batch of Tollhouse cookie dough as fast as we can, and then to top it off, we’re going to we crouch.
Bonus for all zodiac signs: Because we deserve nice things, Chicago restaurant Miss Ricky’s is offering an “Elf”-inspired Spaghetti Sundae this holiday season.
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and reports irreverently on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. To book a reading, visit her website.
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Image Source : nypost.com